Would your mother still have married your father if she had the option of checking him out on Facebook back in the day? Rishta settings a few decades ago went something like this: boy met girl in drawing room in the presence of family members from each side.
And of course, the important rishta-day accessory, the chai ki trolley, which was ever ready and waiting to be sampled. In some cases, there was no meeting. All the boy and girl had was a photograph of each other to look at, in order to make one of the most important decisions of their lifetime.
While the drawing room rishta setting is still the norm for arranged marriages today, a miracle has arrived to save single ladies and gentlemen the pressure and awkwardness of a blind-arranged-marriage-rishta-setting. Single people in arranged marriage settings now have a way to gather intel on prospective spouses through Facebook. A family poring over a candidate’s Facebook profile is an all too familiar a scene. Going through profile pictures, education networks and seeing which friends you have in common with your prospective partner is the norm. But is it good enough to satisfy one’s curiosity and judge someone based on their social network profile? Consultant psychologist and counselor at Dr Mughal Health Centre Nasim Mughal sheds some light on the matter.
“If you are judging someone on Facebook, it is because they are there. If you want privacy, you should not be on Facebook,” she stresses, adding that there are thousands not using the social networking website because they don’t want to be public. She also said that despite all this, she believes that Facebook is a “good source of information, one way or another”.
One mother confesses that she hardly uses Facebook and prefers the way things were done in the good old days. “We need to have family weddings instead of hearing that young Pakistani boys from good families are marrying Japanese or Turkish girls!” says Sara Shahzad. Describing how arranged marriages traditionally work, she says, “It used to be what one calls a blind date. But the surprise element has now vanished,” she laments. “The old times were better, divorce rates were lower, weddings were more fun, and relationships were exciting.” She strongly feels girls’ parents are better off finding their partners since they “know children’s tastes better”.
Anoushey Hassan*, a young single girl begs to differ. “Facebook is a productive way to find a spouse. An individual’s profile gives you a better idea of their personality and life.”
But not everyone agrees. Young Faiza Khan* does not approve of the practice. “A friend of mine got a good rishta, but because of the content on her FB profile, she got rejected and couldn’t get a rishta for a very long time. This becomes an issue.”
No one can deny that people are interested in doing extensive research on a suitor. But bachelor Hassan Khan points out that Facebooks security settings can put a damper on things. “FB changes its privacy settings every now and then, making it difficult to keep track of when pictures will go public.” It also leads to wrong assumptions. “If a guy is standing too close to a girl in a photo, you might think they’re dating, but she could be his sister,” he adds. Khan also points out that girls who have recently tied the knot or got engaged make sure to change their FB accounts entirely, “removing any pictures with previous partners, as they don’t want to open up about past relationships”.
As a final word, we asked match-maker (rishta aunty for hire) how social networks work in the arranged marriage circuit. “Facebook is a good thing, but one shouldn’t absolutely rely on it,” says Mumtaz Qureshi. She also stresses that Facebook is not the only way to communicate, and interaction on a personal level is essential. She also urges young people not to seal a marriage proposal based solely on a “decent Facebook profile”, as there are no guarantees. “What if someone has a limp,” she says. “It’s something Facebook will never tell you.”
*Names have been changed to protect identity.
Published in The Express Tribune, September 2nd, 2013.
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