We all say the wrong thing sometimes, leaving our kids feeling hurt, angry, or confused. Read on for some of the most common verbal missteps moms and dads make, and kinder, gentler alternatives, according to parents.com.
This familiar parenting cliché is not only another kind of threat, it’s also diluted discipline. To be effective, you need to take care of a situation immediately yourself. Discipline that’s postponed doesn’t connect the consequences with your child’s actions. By the time the other parent gets home, it’s likely that your child will actually have forgotten what she did wrong. Alternately, the agony of anticipating a punishment may be worse than what the original crime deserved. Passing the buck to someone else also undermines your authority. “Why should I listen to Mom if she’s not going to do anything anyway?” your child may reason. Not least, you’re putting your partner in an undeserved bad-cop role.
Certainly every parent whose toddler can’t find his shoes or blankie or who’s blissfully oblivious of anything but putting on his socks himself, has uttered these words. Consider, though, your tone of voice when you implore a child to hurry, and how often you say it. If you’re starting to whine, screech, or sigh every day, with your hands on your hips and your toes tapping, beware — there’s a tendency when we’re rushed to make our kids feel guilty for making us rush. The guilt may make them feel bad, but it doesn’t motivate them to move faster.
Like comparisons, quick gibes can sting in ways parents never imagine. For one thing, a child actually may not have known better. Learning is a process of trial and error. Even if he made the same mistake just yesterday, your comment is neither productive nor supportive. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and be specific. For example, say,”I like it better if you do it this way, thank you.” Similar jabs include “I can’t believe you did that!” and “It’s about time!” They may not seem awful, but you don’t want to say them too much. They add up, and the underlying message kids hear is: “You’re a pain and you never do anything right.”
When your child scrapes his knee and bursts into tears, your instinct may be to reassure him that he’s not badly hurt. But telling him he’s fine may only make him feel worse. Your kid is crying because he’s not okay. Your job is to help him understand and deal with his emotions, not discount them. Try giving him a hug and acknowledging what he’s feeling by saying something like, “That was a scary fall.” Then ask whether he’d like a bandage or a kiss (or both).
Watching your weight? Keep it to yourself. If your child sees you stepping on the scale every day and hears you talk about being fat, she may develop an unhealthy body image. It’s better to say, “I’m eating healthy because I like the way it makes me feel.” Take the same tack with working out. “I need to exercise” can sound like a complaint, but “It’s beautiful outside — I’m going to take a walk” may inspire her to join you.
Research has shown that tossing out a generic phrase like Good girl or Way to go every time your child masters a skill makes her dependent on your affirmation rather than her own motivation. Save the kudos for when they’re truly warranted, and be as specific as you can. Instead of “Super game,” say, “That was a nice assist. I like how you looked for your teammate.”
Published in The Express Tribune, April 1st,2014.
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